I'll post my life story here and I hope I can realize something about myself as I type this. A lot has changed each day in the past month since I have learned about NonDuality and Enlightenment through nonattachment and stress releasing. This may be a long story but I hope it's entertaining to you as much as its confused and intrigued me.
I was born on a warm spring afternoon near the end of April, 1995. As I was delivered, I was very uncomfortable as for the first time in my existence as I had felt the sweet harsh sensation of cold. Rough hands held me and cleaned me up. I was stressed when I was laid on a cold plate, to be weighed. Nothing about my birth was extraordinary except for the fact that my mom was given the opportunity to pull me out herself. I also recall the warmth and peace when I was coddled close to my mom's bosom as she held me for the very first time.
Life changed rapidly as I was aware of what occurred around my helpless body. Basic bodily urges reigned king over my mind. Hungry! Thirsty! Bored! Tired! Mood swings changed drastically from one moment to the next. But all was well. As a result of no prior experience or expectations, I lived truly in the moment as one manifested as an eternity. The moments of terror (abandonment) were equally counterbalanced by the whole expression of unconditional love and happiness I experienced intermittently throughout the day. Everything looked so pure and beautiful, the majestic curtains softly glowing with gentle sunlight. The ineffable warm wind tasting my body in the fall time. I relished every second of this. But good things and bad things all come to an end, to make room for the exact same things, yet manifested in different expressions.
As I finally began to walk I was expected to take on more responsibilities. Initially this was agonizing. Now I have to pick up my OWN toys! How horrible! But one begins to learn the value of effort and independence. Don't get me wrong. It'll take me 20 years to finally grasp the concept of just doing things without having to hate it. But it was a start. One of my more earlier memories is walking through my hallway into my living room. I felt inexplicable bliss to such a degree I could feel it emanating feet in front of my face, on multiple occasions. My friends and family told me later that at that time, my mere presence in the room would make everyone happy and brighten their mood. It was around this time (age 3-4) I began to pick up on the social cues and contention that was present around my house. The thought, Why can't my parents just drop the argument and focus on the pleasure and life around them, struck me as obvious. I explained to my parents this along with other lighthearted suggestions to stop their arguing. They would smile and acknowledge how 'smart' I was but consequently explain that Life does not work that way and it was impossible to just drop an argument. They were duly determined to 'get' their way even if it meant catastrophically violent arguments between the two.
At age 4 roughly, [After being hospitalized for severe pneumonia and asthma 3 times] me and my siblings were going to swim in a neighborhood pool with a church member. My mom had to work or go to some sort of meeting (probably with my dad in the bishops office for 'marital counseling'). Our babysitter was exhausted (I think her husband passed around this time, not quite sure) and she was content napping under the sun. This did not concern greatly as it meant I had free reign to play as I please. I, however, also felt that if she didn't pay attention that something unfortunate may occur. This is when I began to 'feel' different revelations that would always come true (when they chose to manifest). I was so excited to swim in the middle of the pool that I asked almost everyone if I could swim with them in their tube. They declined. I had found a sweet pair of girls playing with their tube and I timidly asked if I was allowed to borrow the tube for awhile. They said something along the lines of He's so cute! and gladly gave up their tubey. I distinctly remember gazing at the yellow tube in excited delight. I pondered how I was supposed to use this due to my size and figured that I would jump in the middle and extend my arms and catch myself. So I did just that. Feet first into the tube and I had my arms out to catch myself. As I dove into it however, I grossly miscalculated the strength and length of my arms and my hands smacked off the sides and I plunged right into the depths of the pool. Panic. I was almost calm at first thinking if I paddled hard enough I would somehow float to the top. But I felt myself sink. And sink. I screamed. Bubbles teased my face, joyfully skirting to the surface as I was left to claw and scratch at the miasma that swallowed me whole. Red was my last memory as I finally slipped into the gentle hands of oblivion.
My first memory afterwards was my sister's worried face above me, crowded by my other sister and her friends. Water spew from my mouth as I coughed and coughed, feeling tired and weak. I had asked what had happened and my sister's explained that I had drowned. Had my older sister not felt that she should check on me, no-one would have noticed my lifeless body floating back-up in the water. She had dragged me out and administered a form of CPR along with a male friend of hers. She was only 6 or 7. I was very lightheaded and dizzy, yet I felt very happy and joyful. And somehow I had felt better than I ever had in my entire life.
A period after this incident, I had nearly forgotten about it yet I was still mystified about the whole experience. I was never really social and outgoing with other kids, for a few very valid reasons. An aspect or two about my Identity was under scope and hardly considered normal or acceptable under the eyes of traditional american society. This in turn alienated me from the rest of the kids and I only stuck with one or two of my very close friends. However this also taught me to find acceptance and love in other areas than my fellow human beings. This being the world around me and the person I thought to be inside. I felt liberated after my almost-death and I have many memories of wandering around the school playground at absolute awe at the world around me. One of my memories included walking around the playground as the red sun bathed the ground and trees around me in amber. Everything looked perfect. The black-top was absolutely perfect to me. It wasn't its new condition or cleanliness but it was perfect as a weathered dirty black-top. The leaves around me were magical as well as I felt one with it all. The dead leaves were perfect as the dead leaves they were meant to be. This took my breath away and I was in a near continuous period of non-thought. At this point in my life I thought mostly in feelings and expression than in words. This went on for about 2 years, on and off. Due to my strong memory [even pre-natal memoreis] I could recall a time of bipolar experiences and thought that my regular Bliss experiences and worldly suffering was normal. I couldn't latch onto the periods of bliss because I didn't think it to be possible. As a result, the periods lessened and lessened and I slowly 'forgot' about them as I grew older and became 'normal' like everybody else. I always had a state of love that I would sometimes fall back on periodically but nowhere near the intensity and reoccurrence as my exceptional elementary school years.
Around 2004 (9 years old), me and my family went to Sweden for a giant family reunion. Not long before that, I had feelings again that potentially precursed but accurately predicted dark events that would ultimately shape the rest of my human life. Multiple times but iconically one time I had feelings that translated into certain thoughts. I was sitting next to my father in the living room during either scripture time or movie time. His hand was at rest beside him. I stared at it and had a strange feeling about them. I held the feeling in my heart and waited for my mind to automatically put words that would describe those feelings. The words that came to mind was, Those hands have been somewhere where they shouldn't have. Maybe another woman. I felt a sort of slight affirmation in my heart but I (even now) had trouble trusting my instincts and kind of dismissed it as the rest of the thoughts I have throughout the day. I wouldn't understand this till 6 or 7 years later when my parents sat me down in the living room and my father confessed to having molested my sister numerous times. And yes, you guessed it, he started around the exact time I had discovered this for myself. When I had found out I had no feelings of suprise or anger. Because I had already known. Deep down I already knew he had been doing this though my first guess would have been an extramarital affair with another women of legal age.
This plus the fights when my parents would hurt each other, be it fist fighting or smashing chairs on each other would instill into me the concepts of abuse and anger. My father and mother also would occasionally ruthlessly beat me and attempt to burn or cut me. At least one situation they even almost killed me. I had an amazing propensity to 'drop' these experiences emotional imprint on my mind but the sheer number and severity would affect me in terms of anger, depression, and an instinct to overpunish [bordering on abuse]. I considered this period the 'dark years' of my life.
Desperate for fatherly attention I would do anything to be noticed. This included aggravating my parents and being brutally honest about our family situation. Years before anyone was even brave to admit it internally, I proudly exclaimed our family's dysfunction and inability to behave normally. This honest display of truth branded me as the 'black sheep of the family' which only made things worse. Sometimes I was too practical for my own good. Seeing as no one could be influenced to do the right thing, I knew it was pointless to try to continue being a good example to the others. I remember one time being downstairs in my room and I felt a strong peace in my heart, fleeting but still alive. My mind put words to this and it told me, I have one last chance here. I can adopt this peace into my heart and be a perfect person without judgement, anger or remorse. Or I can continue being normal and protect myself with my indignation as I have been doing. Prior experience has told me that letting go of the past negative emotions did not change my external circumstance. As a result, my decision was already predetermined, Me letting go of this feeling almost happily knowing I would never again have to be hurt so raw and deep because I had closed off that part of my heart to the world, even to myself.
A slightly similar experience occured to me probably about 2-3 years later. At this point in my life I was big into general meditation (I still felt a pull) and I would attain great moments of relaxation (devoid of happiness however). Sometimes after meditating, my body would seemingly move in slow motion or barely react to my desires. Walking was a chore, breathing was arduous yet my body felt relaxed and energized. At one point of this deep meditation, I had been staring outside the window. I believe it was the near beginning of Fall and I was in a sort of mental void [trance]. It was peaceful but not happy, yet I did enjoy the experience. At times my mind would 'peak' at a high, and I would automatically break out of the trance somewhat out of fear of death or mental decay. As the experience would unwind, I had another feeling. It is going to be a long time until I feel this again. And that was that. Interesting note, that 'peak' is something I would only feel again after [NOT ENDORSING] smoking marijuana or deep meditation that I am currently practicing, though my natural meditation isn't as advanced as it used to be. Now I equate this peak to the slight dissolution of the Ego, though I couldn't say with any certainty that it was the same situation as that living room experience downwards of 10 years ago.
After my great meditative progress recently, I believe I have recovered an NDE from the time I had drowned though I am afraid to latch onto the extremely small details I remember due to the possibility of false memories. However I do explicitly remember watching my sister and her male friend perform the medical procedures that saved my life. My 'lifeless' body on the ground, spewing up water but not waking up. Hearing my sisters freak out and then me suddenly gurgle, at that point I knew I had to 'return' to my body. The more 'false memory' part: I now distinctly remember having a discussion with some 'higher power' and having my whole entire life revealed to me in that instant. I remember knowing of a few different paths in life I could take but one beautiful incredible path I would most likely take if I made the right choices. I also remember being offered a choice. I could remember the NDE in its entirety (my life history and future paths and my current abilities, strengths, and weaknesses). Or I could forget almost everything and make the choices 'myself' but gain the full benefits and rewards of this choice, something I would not have gotten completely If I had chosen the first option. I remember being very torn about this but deciding at the very last minute that I would forget because I knew deep down I could do this and that I loved challenges.
As I write this, I feel it is true but I don't want to decide for myself yet as I have been misguided nearly my entire life by civilization, my family, and my 'ego' and I believe I have finally found the truth behind religion and human life. Meditation has helped release most pent-up anger and frustration that has dragged my mind through the mud throughout life. I am still young and I am very hopeful for the future. Thanks for letting me write this.